Did you know that loneliness is as lethal as smoking 15 cigarettes a day?
Read that again.
Yes, being lonely can reduce your lifespan by around fifteen years according to the National Institute of Ageing in the US.
Isn’t that a staggering statistic? While most of us may not be socially isolated or have zero friends, the real question is how many deep friends we have. By deep friends I mean those who you don’t necessarily have any need for but hold on to for the sheer joy and fulfilment they give you and the role they play in your life.
As children growing up in a previous era we paid more attention to cultivating deep friendships. We had the luxury of time, non-judgemental mindsets, fewer distractions amongst other things that fuelled these relationships.
Today, we spend maximum time at work and our devices. Neither space is conducive to developing the kind of relationship with another human (not counting your spouse/partner) in which you wouldn’t hesitate to call them at 3 am if you needed. The kind of relationship that is pursued for the sake of friendship alone. Not because they are incredibly networked and can help you anytime. Not because they can get you a promotion at work. Not because you look good hanging out in their social circle.
We spend inordinate time doing work. Then we have our family obligations. Time for taking care of health is now a big priority for many of us. We’ve been convinced that eight hours of sleep is a must for longevity. Throw in a few kids that you are raising and inevitably it’s the time for your deep friendships that gets sacrificed at the altar of earning a living.
What’s the state of your close friendships? Close your eyes and think about how many deep friends you have. Those who you can be yourself with without fear of judgement. Those to whom you can spill your deepest and darkest secrets and not worry about the whole town finding out. Those who are not only your biggest cheerleaders but also your fiercest critiques. Those who will never be jealous of you and your achievements. Thos who truly love you for who you are.
If you counted at least a few then consider yourself super lucky. If you have none, at least you are now self-aware and can make a plan to fix this.
Making new new friends as an adult is terribly hard for all the reasons mentioned above so how might you go about it? Shared passions or hobbies are a great way to start. I joined a book club a few years ago which introduced me to so many interesting women. While books brought us together, we discovered so much more in common. Pick a sport. Learn a new language in a group. Take a dance class. Or even just strike up a conversation with a stranger at the dog park and see where that goes. The options are plentiful.
Making new friends may be hard for some, deepening friendships harder for others.
What are some ways in which to prioritise your one on one time with your friend with no distractions and no others present?
Go for a walk together.
For busy individuals this is a super two in one. Get your endorphins and oxytocins flowing all at once while enjoying a close companionship.
Fix a regular “date”.
Just you and your friend. Nobody else. Pick a cadence that suits you both. Schedule it in your diary and don’t deprioritise it.
Holiday together.
Even just a weekend away with a dear friend can make a world of difference to your friendship. I managed a getaway to Porto in Portugal with a dear friend when visiting London. It did wonders to bring us closer together.
Learn a new hobby together.
I’ve taken cooking classes with friends which were a super way to bond over a shared interest.
These are just a few ideas to get you started.
The point of this week’s edition is that deep friendships are important for your overall wellbeing especially as you age. You have to prioritise them and find time for deepening these relationships over time. Just as in other areas of life, what you focus on manifests.
Over to you now:
How many 3 am friends can you name?
Which item on your bucket list can you cross off with a close friend rather than doing it alone?
How can you make more time to give your 3 am friends the love and attention the friendship requires?